Your Google Questions Answered: Part 2

When people ask Google a question, they expect a reasonable answer. But can Google's AI out think a college drop out? Let's find out.

People are asking Google questions that are becoming more direct and personal by the second. The lines between general information and custom results are becoming stunningly blurred as data is collected and shared at alarming rates, leading to a sense of comfort and trust with machines that’s never existed before. 

But how does Google stack up against a real 35 year man? Round 1 clearly resulted in a loss for Google, so let’s move on to round 2.

Question Number 2: Why Am I Cold All The Time?

You’ve always felt known you were different.

  • You scramble back into your house when you see your neighbor’s garage door open.
  • You wait in line for the self checkout rather than using the wide open employee-manned lane.
  • Someone paid you a compliment? Time to knock that noise out of the park with a little snark.
  • Long, involved personal question? Here’s a curt, one-word answer.

No smiles. No laughter. No, a hug won’t help.   

You turn to social media where you see your connections smiling, with friends and family draped around them as they rejoice in their tribe, their BFFs, their boys, etc.

You think to yourself: why am I like this? Why can’t I open up and start being in group pictures with drunk idiots on the beach? Why am I so… so… cold?

With tears now streaming down your face, you turn to Google for answers. 

Google’s Answer

Your Google Questions Answered: Part 2 1

Once again, the top answer came from the Cleveland Clinic: Poor blood circulation. The reason you can’t open up and develop meaningful relationships is poor blood circulation. Really?

This answer is proof positive that literally NO ONE gets you. You exposed your innermost insecurity to a robot – the thing that should be able to best understand you – and what did it do? It made a mockery of your plight. Maybe Google believes better blood flow would spread more iron throughout your body, thus making you a more “magnetic” person?

If you were physically cold, you aren’t any more. You’re now burning hot with embarrassment and frustration as the pearls of your plea for help were trampled under hoof by the swine at Google. You’ll never open up again. After all, the best way to treat a burn is to add a little ice.

The Correct Answer

In a backhanded, tangential way, Google’s answer is the right answer. You’re cold and closed off emotionally because no one takes the time to understand the nuances of your needs and concerns. You may not be perfect, but at least you’ve never told someone to “smile because life’s too short to frown!” Maybe if the people in your day to day weren’t such vapid dolts, you could have a warm, meaningful relationship for once.

I say get back out there, and keep looking for the right kind of people to open up to (hint: they probably aren’t at clubs or places like Burning Man).

What qualifies me to answer your question? I’m colder than you could ever be. Also, I’m the guy who mercifully scratched that itch I know you’re feeling.

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