Four 6-Word Stories About Black Friday

We’ve side-stepped the hype and boiled Black Friday down to its essence. Do you agree with what remains?

I’m old enough to remember the pre-internet (at least, as we now know it today) days of Black Friday and holiday shopping. I remember getting the Thanksgiving newspaper, chock-full of printed Black Friday ads and offers from the biggest stores in the area. I remember going through each one with a fine-toothed comb, frantically circling toys I wanted. 

Something has changed, and I’m not sure if it’s me, Black Friday, or a combination of the two. But Black Friday now feels disgusting to me. The discounts never seem that great: that “one day” sale is stretching out over weeks now, and the few people still shopping in-store are risking their lives.

What Happened To Black Friday?

In an effort to figure out what’s gone wrong, I’ve boiled the event into a handful of 6-word stories that reach the core of Black Friday. Here’s what remains:

1. Mufasa’s fate, reenacted in Walmart’s doorway

Someone gets trampled like Simba’s dad every single year. And for what? A free normally-$20 flashlight when you purchase a $1,000 TV? No thnx. 

2. Tickle Me Elmo has sold out.

I think everyone who missed out on TME ultimately lost faith in Black Friday right then and there.

3. Midnight melee, bellies full of turkey

Do you have someone in your family that always pushes for a Thanksgiving family walk after you’ve just stuffed yourself full of turkey? I can barely get from the table to the couch, let alone take a walk. Now fast forward a couple of hours: am I really expected to protect myself from the unwashed masses and fight my way to savings splendor while the tryptophans are still brewing in my belly? I think not. 

4. Every day is now Black Friday

Is nothing sacred anymore? First, Black Friday started showing up on Thanksgiving, which is famously a THURSDAY. Now, we’re starting to see Black Friday start a week or more before Thanksgiving. 


Is Black Friday Still Worth It?

NO. Obviously not. All that remains of the once great holiday shopping tradition is physical risk and a lack of Tickle Me Elmos. Just look for a decent deal online and focus on saving yourself some dignity and wellbeing rather than a couple of bucks. 
I’ll leave you with one bonus 6 word story about Black Friday: Save your soul over your money.

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